Walleyes & Northerns
Timothy J. Wolfram, PsyD, LP

Summer is finally here and another fishing opener has come and gone. I've always been intrigued by the scheduling of the fishing opener in Minnesota. You see the Department of Natural Resources, in their infinite wisdom, has placed the opener on the weekend of Mother's Day! It's a mystery to me why they chose this weekend when in many parts of the state the ice is often just barely off the lakes by this time. As a marriage therapist I can't complain, though. It seems there is always an increase in referrals just after Mother's Day. Come to think of it, a thank you letter to the director of the DNR might be in order. But after a long, cold winter and that seemingly endless stretch of time between the end of ice fishing season and the opener, the avid fisherman can hardly wait to resume the hunt for Minnesota's premier fish, the Walleye. And although fishing may contribute to marital strife in some cases, it can also provide us with some valuable insights to enhance your marriage. Sound far-fetched? Read on and decide for yourself.

Before proceeding, a disclaimer is in order: I'm not much of a fisherman. No patience. If they're not biting immediately I'm bored. That's why I like Northerns. They're easy to catch and you don't need any special skill to hook one. All you need to do is cast the lure in front of their nose and they'll bite. In fact, the flashier and louder the lure, the easier it is to provoke them. They don't even have to be hungry. Just put it out there in front of them and they can't resist. For my money Northerns are a great tasting fish as well, but much maligned because it's difficult to avoid a mouthful of y-bones in every bite. The skill in Northern fishing is in the filleting. Fortunately the resort I stay at during my annual fishing pilgrimage does this for me, because I don't have the patience for that either!

Walleyes are a whole different story. Catching Walleyes requires patience and skill, neither of which are my strong suit when it comes to fishing. The allure of the Walleye is not only its great taste, but also the challenge of catching this elusive fish. They are finicky eaters and require the right combination of lures, bait, and technique. Should I use a Lindy rig or a jig? What color should the jig be? Crawlers, leeches, or minnows? Should I cast or troll? And the conditions need to be perfect: it's got to be the right time of day, the water temperature has to be just right, you need to be fishing at the right depth, the barometric pressure is critical, and Jupiter must be aligned with Mars. And then just when you think you've got 'em, they get away. I'm told Walleyes have a "soft mouth" and when they sense a hook they spit it out. All this is way too much like work for me. Give me that impulsive Northern any day.

So what does all this have to do with relationships? "Fishing" is an inevitable part of every marriage. A more familiar metaphor is button pushing, as in "she/he really knows how to push my buttons." However, use of that metaphor would render my extensive fishing experience useless, not to mention the first three paragraphs of this article. The bottom line is that we all know how to "hook" our spouse (push their buttons), whether directly or indirectly, by what we do or say, or by what we don't (or won't) do or say. And while this may not always be deliberate, we often do it intentionally, believe it or not. It's what psychologist David Schnarch calls "normal marital sadism." We all do it. Those of you who deny any such behavior can stop reading now. What follows will be of little use to you.

At its best, this process of hooking our spouse creates minor irritations or flare-ups that interrupt the flow of marital bliss. At its worst, we fall into destructive patterns that destroy intimacy and are repeated verbatim and ad nauseum year after year. After all the thrashing and flailing around is done and you've been landed and filleted, you may be furious with your spouse for hooking you and/or disgusted with yourself for once again biting on that same old lure. It's no bargain for your spouse, either. They're likely to end up with a mouthful of y-bones! Why we do this to someone we profess to love is complex and goes beyond the scope of this article. Suffice it to say that it is part of the mysterious love/hate nature of intimate relationships.

The moral of the story is simple. Be more like a Walleye and less like a Northern. Don't bite on every hook that lands in front of your nose. Be selective about what you bite on and develop a "soft mouth" so you can spit out the hook before you're caught up in another destructive battle. While the advice is simple, doing it can be extremely difficult. One way to accomplish this is to learn not to take things personally. Yes, I realize your spouse may have meant it personally (that's what makes it such a good hook), but you get to decide how to respond. Taking everything your spouse says personally and reacting to it is like a Northern biting on whatever lands in front of its nose. And the result isn't likely to be pretty, for you or your spouse. The Walleye will look at the lure, analyze it, maybe even taste it, but is likely to spit it out if it senses trouble. The better you know yourself and the more you have worked through your insecurities, the easier it will be to do this. But even the elusive Walleye gets hooked now and then, and we'll all have times when we act like Northerns, especially during times of high stress. The goal isn't perfection; it's increased awareness and selectivity to reduce the number of destructive battles in your marriage.

That's it. My limited knowledge of fishing finally put to good use. Be more like a Walleye and less like a Northern. Simple to say, but difficult to master. Now I just have to work on taking my own advice!

Timothy J. Wolfram, PsyD is a licensed psychologist and works with adults, adolescents, couples, and families. His specialties include couples therapy, depression and anxiety disorders, and life transitions. In addition, he provides training and consulting services to organizations and companies of all sizes.