Tic-Tac-Toe
Timothy J. Wolfram, PsyD, LP

I love to learn. Even my four college degrees aren't enough to satiate my hunger for information. So it shouldn't surprise you that I leaped at the opportunity to sit in on a class while visiting my son at Middlebury College in Vermont recently. The class, "Contemporary Ethical Theory," was taught by Professor Stanley Bates. Upon entering the classroom I slid into a seat at the end of a long conference table, with my son and seven other students flanking me, and the professor at the opposite end. That day's focus was the contribution of the social sciences to ethical thought, an appropriate topic for a clinical psychologist, and one that I knew would be within my intellectual grasp. At one point in the lecture Dr. Bates introduced game theory and emphasized that games have three essential elements: structure, rules and strategy. While this was no revelation to me, he piqued my interest when he used Tic-Tac-Toe to illustrate his point. With the precision and detail of a surgeon, Dr. Bates described the structure and rules of the game. My pulse quickened as I hung on every word, and by the time he explained that playing Tic-Tac-Toe involves using a non-losing strategy, I was fully hooked. And I had a gut feeling that there were powerful implications for my work as a marriage therapist (or maybe it was just indigestion from breakfast at the Middlebury Inn). Now before you write me off as just another wacky shrink, let me explain.

Tic-Tac-Toe. We've all played it; at least until we figured it out and became bored with it. It's a simple game with a simple structure and simple rules. The game is played on a 3x3 grid. One player is "X" and one is "O." X starts the game by inserting an X in a square on the grid. O then responds by filling a square with an O. The object of the game is to claim three squares in a row, across, down, or diagonally. The first to do this is the winner. Simple. But what you quickly learn is that winning isn't easy. Barring a lapse in concentration or a mistake, only the player who starts the game can win. However, it only takes a few times through for the second player to discern how to effectively block any move that player one makes. Once this happens the game is destined to end in a perpetual draw, and the goal shifts from winning to avoiding losing. In other words, the players learn to employ a non-losing strategy. Despite this limitation, Tic-Tac-Toe was immortalized on the television show "Hollywood Squares." But in order to add some drama to an otherwise boring game, the producers enlisted Hollywood stars to sit in the grid squares and answer questions. The two contestants were required to determine whether or not these answers were correct, and would claim the square with an X or O if they predicted accurately. This change of rules leveled the playing field, allowing both X and O a legitimate shot at victory.

At this point you may be reflecting on how fascinating this is, but are probably wondering what on earth it has to do with relationships. So here it is: Marriage is a lot like Tic-Tac-Toe. Life is good while you are learning to play the game, and determining the structure and rules may take a while. As time goes by, each partner learns how to influence the game and how to block his or her spouse. This can play out in any area of the relationship, including sex, money, kids, and in-laws. Sooner or later what started out with promise turns into what can be called "gridlock." Each partner tries to block the influence of the other, which stalemates the relationship; a classic example of a non-losing strategy.

Before you lose hope that intimacy is possible, you should know that marital Tic-Tac-Toe and gridlock are natural and inevitable processes in relationships. Negotiating them successfully can actually lead to deeper levels of connection ­ although it is far more common to experience frustration or boredom than to do the hard work of building a relationship in spite of them. When gridlock sets in we may start putting our energy into work, kids, friends, activities, or anything else to avoid the feeling of being stuck. Alcohol or drugs might provide some temporary relief. Depression and/or anxiety may result. Affairs provide an escape, allowing us to start the game over with a new partner. Divorce is too often thought to be the ultimate solution to the problem. Some couples will seek marriage therapy when in gridlock, hoping that the therapist will have a new game for them to learn, or will provide new rules that will break through their stalemate. Many therapists teach specific communication skills, as if these would provide a permanent solution. And these may work ­ at least for a while until you learn this new game and reach a new stalemate. But don't despair; with the abundance of therapists out there and countless new games to learn, you'll have endless opportunities to experience your own personal "Ground Hog Day," each day trying a new strategy but perpetually waking up stuck in the same place!

So what is it that fuels this Tic-Tac-Toe process in marriage? Using an ecological perspective, psychologists James Maddock and Noel Larson describe the role of power and control in relationship systems. If you are like most people to whom I explain these concepts, you may have a strong reaction to these words. Stories of domestic abuse and the frequently heard phrase "You're trying to control me" uttered by exasperated couples are evidence that power and control are often experienced as negative aspects of a relationship. However, the ecological perspective provides a more comprehensive view. Using basic dictionary definitions, Drs. Maddock and Larson describe "power" as the capacity to influence and "control" as the capacity to regulate or limit influence. Based on these definitions, power and control can be said to have a reciprocal relationship, like two sides of the same coin. Let's explore each more closely as a prelude to looking at their interaction.

First, it is important to note that both power and control are normal and necessary characteristics of healthy individual and relationship functioning. Each can be thought of as a continuum from not enough to too much. Like Goldilocks, we need to strive for the amount that is "just right." Too little power and we feel ineffective; too much power and we risk being abusive. When it's just right we are considered "empowered." When we don't have enough control, we may feel defenseless; too much control and we are emotionally cut off from others. When control is just right we have appropriate boundaries and can both accept and regulate the influence others have on us. Relationships function best when there is a balance of power and control, as this allows each person to maintain a sense of individuality while also feeling connected and intimate. Both partners are influential in dealing with relationship issues, and both work together on regulation.

Unfortunately, relationships are not always "just right" when it comes to balancing power and control. Just like a game of Tic-Tac-Toe, once each partner knows the rules, the relationship may get mired down in a series of stalemates that keep them stuck and prevents the development of intimacy and mutual well-being. As the use of power and control escalates, exchanges become increasingly toxic. And because they are interactive, one partner's attempts to overpower are usually matched by the other's attempts to overcontrol. It's a recipe for a power/control arms race ­ and serious marriage problems. Relationships dominated by mutual power moves tend to be competitive and create the conditions for conflict, which sometimes can escalate into abuse or violence. Excessive use of control in a relationship limits the opportunities to express individuality and shuts down connection and intimacy. When both partners are extremely invested in control moves they end up emotionally cut off from each other; both feel "safe" only when hiding out in their separate corners. When power and control are continuously lopsided in a relationship, one partner becomes domineering, forcing the other to become defensive and self-protective.

Here's the point. Marital Tic-Tac-Toe contributes to the unique power/control patterns that define relationship interactions and eventually leads to gridlock. What you do then will determine the course and quality of your relationship. If you are like me, you have a standard fight script that you follow faithfully whenever things heat up with your spouse. You both know the rules and may even be bored with the game, but you keep playing anyway. In its own way it keeps things balanced and you may even think that it keeps you from losing. It is, after all, a non-losing strategy. But what is the cost? The following questions are offered to help you assess the power/control patterns in your relationship. Do you tend to constantly push your agenda and/or block your partner's every move? Are you more heavily invested in self-protection than connection? When it's not going your way do you change the rules to give yourself an advantage? Do you keep searching for a new game in a vain attempt to avoid gridlock? Or do you work through the gridlock to build a relationship that allows for both intimacy and individuality?

It's your move.