Lessons from Lichens: A Model for Marriage
Timothy J. Wolfram, PsyD, LP

Leave it to a psychologist to find meaning for marriage in a lichen (pronounced lie-ken)! Perhaps you don't even know what a lichen is, much less think it could have any significance for you or your relationship. After all, even Freud said that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, so what's with reading something significant into a lichen? In fact, you may be tempted to skip over to the next article in this newsletter and write me off as a quack. And who could blame you? The whole idea sounds preposterous!

For those of you few brave souls who are curious enough to continue reading and have not written this idea off, (yet), let me explain myself. The social sciences are increasingly turning to new sources of information to help understand and improve human relationships and organizational systems. Quantum Physics and the New Biology have provided new models to explain how systems work in nature, and this has been applied to everything from marriages to organizational change in large corporations. It is this "natural systems" perspective that will help us learn from lichens.

But before we go any further, you need to know a few things about lichens. After all, they inhabit about 8 percent of the world's land surface! Visitors to the Boundary Waters Canoe Area Wilderness will notice that lichens are a staple of the landscape. They are most recognizable as the crusty, rusty/gray colored patches growing on the vast expanses of rocks found in the BWCAW, but some varieties can also be found growing on trees.

Lichens are unique in that they are composed of two distinct organisms: a fungus and an alga (singular of algae). The relationship between these organisms produces what we perceive as a lichen, and each contributes something special to the relationship. The fungus absorbs nutrients from its surroundings and also is good at soaking up water. The alga provides food from the energy of the sun (photosynthesis) and necessary vitamins.

Lichens grow very slowly, with some growing less than a millimeter per year. The life of a lichen proceeds in spurts. During droughts it stagnates, conserving its resources and waiting for rain. The onset of rain allows an opportunity for a growth spurt. This alternation of stagnation and growth characterizes the life course of lichens. They even seem to prefer tough times. When grown in a laboratory under ideal conditions they actually split up and transform back into a fungus and alga, ending the relationship as a lichen. Believe it or not, this is accomplished without the help of an attorney! My question is, who gets the rock?

In addition to providing a food source for many animal species, lichens perform a vital function. They create an environment for growth by breaking down the rock surface, thus allowing other organisms to gain a foothold. This process is an important step in creating soil and fostering the development of a more diverse ecological community.

You may be saying to yourself at this point that this is all very interesting, sort of, but what relevance does this have for me and my relationship? A good question! What follows is a new way to think about relationships that goes beyond the popular notions of romantic love and finding your "soul mate." If you are worried about whether you will be identified as the fungus in the relationship, let me assure you it is more complex than that!

Like lichens, we are unique individuals that grow in relationships. Two powerful human needs are central to our existence: the need to "be me" as a unique individual, and the need for relationships with others. Psychiatrist Murray Bowen called the life-long process of learning to balance these two needs "differentiation." I have a simpler term for it: growing up. In marriage we each contribute something special to the relationship, and the combination of two unique individuals creates a new system (relationship).

Our lives also proceed in spurts, alternating between periods of stability and growth (change). Growth destabilizes relationships and allows us to move to a higher level of functioning. Stability allows us to consolidate gains and regroup following growth spurts. However, unlike lichens, in marriage there are three stability/growth cycles in play at all times: mine, yours, and ours. When you consider that growth always involves some level of anxiety or discomfort, the complexity of negotiating the minefield of marriage makes more sense!

This leads us to another important lesson from lichens. Adversity and conflict are a normal, natural part of marriage, and don't mean you married the wrong person. Given the complexity of managing the three stability/growth cycles that are in play, it is no wonder that conflicts arise. But more importantly, adversity and conflict can actually promote the "growing up" process. In fact, trying to maintain an "ideal" relationship can inhibit our growth. Across studies of marital satisfaction, the number one reason for marital dissatisfaction is conflict avoidance! Adversity and conflict are not the problem. How we handle them is what will determine our growth and the quality of our relationship.

Like lichens, we grow very slowly and across our life span. That is why long-term committed relationships are important to our growth. Being human, we tend to want to stay in our comfort zone (stability). Growth is not easy, and as mentioned previously, growth involves anxiety and discomfort. We don't choose to grow. Growth chooses us. Our choice is to avoid it or embrace it. It is through facing life's challenges over time that we experience growth. Even if we are skilled at eliminating the minor challenges, life always presents us with the opportunity to grow throughout the life of our marriage. Some examples are having children, career changes, moving, the death of a loved one, and major illness or disability, all of which can potentially push you out of your comfort zone.

Finally, the function of marriage is to create an environment for mutual growth. This is not as simple as meeting each other's "needs." Growth involves anxiety and discomfort. It shakes things up. That's not my idea of having my needs met! Growth demands self-examination and self-confrontation, when most of us would prefer to confront our spouse. How do you decide if your needs can wait, or that you have waited long enough? When does your integrity demand that you stand up for yourself, and how do you know you are not just being selfish? Marriage provides the opportunity for you to face tough questions about yourself, and does the same for your spouse.

Just as lichens prepare their "home" for the growth of other life forms, our growth creates an environment for the growth of others. When marriage involves children, it is their growth that we are fostering. Our personal and relational growth is a vital element of parenting, for our children's primary source of information about life and relationships is through us, their parents. And the old adage is definitely applicable: "Actions speak louder than words."

That's it, your "Lessons from Lichens." Not only are lichens unique in nature, they can help us appreciate the uniqueness, complexity, and elegance of the system we call marriage. And the next time you are stuck in a marital drought, you will know what to do. Grow!

Tim Wolfram, PsyD, LP is a licensed psychologist and works with adults, adolescents, couples, and families. His specialties include couples therapy, depression and anxiety disorders, and life transitions. In addition, he provides training and consulting services to organizations and companies of all sizes.